Positive personal relationships can provide great strength during hard times. They can add to our self-esteem, boost our confidence and illuminate our admirable traits. Forgiveness may require a new way of looking at the situation but certainly it is one of the pillars of healthy relationships.

They can be a daily comfort to our psyche and make life so much more fulfilling. Conversely, negative social relationships can tear at our sanity and cause extreme stress, depression, loneliness, anxiety and frustration.

love and relationships
The keys to successful personal relationships are often the same, regardless of what type of relationship you’re looking to strengthen, be it friend, coworker, family member or romance relationships. For instance, being assertive and drawing clear boundaries is a good practice in any relationship.

First you must explore your own feelings and decide what your limits are. Next, you will need to assert yourself using “I” statements, as well as cause-and-effect consequences. For instance, you might say, “I dislike being tickled because it makes me feel powerless and uncomfortable.

If you tickle me again, I will have to leave.” If the person violates your boundaries, then you must stick to your guns and do as promised to reinforce those boundaries. Over time, you may note that the other person cannot adhere to your boundaries and you may come to the conclusion that he or she does not actually respect you.

While it may be a tough conclusion to reach, you couldn’t have come to the truth without first setting boundaries.

social relationships
Another way to bolster any of your love and relationships is to learn to manage your anger better. Anger can be an extremely detrimental to building relationships, parent/child relationships, workplace relationships or friendships. Feeling anger is not the problem; rather, the problem arises from our mismanagement of anger.

The first step to managing your anger is to understand the triggers, both the superficial triggers and the underlying triggers. For example, you might blow your top over your spouse forgetting an anniversary. Yet, beneath that, you may see a pattern of behavior because your spouse also forgot to get you anything for Valentine’s Day, forgot to tell you all his friends were coming over last weekend, forgot to tell you your mother called and forgot to call to say he’d be home late from the bar.

Perhaps you’re really feeling like he doesn’t consider your feelings or inform you on important matters. It’s crucial that you learn to stop bottling your emotions and instead relieve them in healthy ways.

In any of your personal relationships, “Disagreements are going to occur,” says Dr. Phil. “The question is, do you go into it with a spirit of looking for resolution or do you go into it with a spirit of getting even, for vengeance or to gain control? You’ll never win if you do that.

romantic relationships
If you make your personal relationships a competition, then that means your spouse has to lose in order for you to win. It’s not a competition, it’s a partnership.” Whether you’re looking into marriage counseling or seeking healthy relationships with friends, family or coworkers, it’s important that you stop feeling like a victim and take responsibility for your feelings and your behaviors.

Tags: Admirable Traits, Building Relationships, Cause And Effect, Depression Loneliness, Extreme Stress, Family Member, Forgiveness, Friendships, Healthy Relationships, Love Relationships, Mismanagement, Parent Child Relationships, Personal Relationships, Pillars, Psyche, Romance Relationships, Sanity, Setting Boundaries, Social Relationships, Workplace Relationships

Surviving infidelity is a touchy subject in any relationship that has experienced it – and many women seek relationship advice in order to deal with this heart and deal breaking occurrence. Whether or not the infidelity is a physical affair, a breach of trust or an emotional affair, the devastation and hurt will sunder hearts and trust with equal force and brutality.

Recently, one of my readers wrote in to me, seeking relationship advice for her situation, where her significant other is being unfaithful by putting himself up on a dating site while they were, in what was assumed to be, an exclusive relationship. While this reader may herself be surviving infidelity, it is obvious that her relationship will not.

Anne writes:

Dear Sarah -

How do I break up with a guy that I have been dating for 4 months? [I want to break up with him because] he lies to me; he is on a dating site and even put a picture that I took of him and put it on the site. I have a gut feeling that he is out with someone new right now. So what do I do?

Thanks,

Anne

My response to Anne –

First of all, Anne, please let me express my sorrow and give you a virtual hug. surviving infidelity is hard, no matter how young your relationship may be. From your email, I cannot tell whether the affair you are relating is an emotional affair or a physical affair, but in reality, it does not matter other than the fact that if it was a physical affair he had and you were intimate with him, you will want to visit your doctor and get yourself checked out to make sure you are healthy.

It is obvious that the affair your boyfriend has had has devastated your relationship, and if you have decided to leave him, then go for it. I suggest that you do it very simply, without drama or incident. You need to tell him in a calm, cool manner that you see that he is not upholding his end of your relationship requirements, and that due to that fact, you can no longer trust him, and therefore your relationship is over. To add a bit of “friendly finality” to that, I would simply shake his hand, tell him you will see him around, and walk away. Do not demand explanations, justice or apologies because if you are moving on without him, you do not need those things from him as a strong and independent woman.

As you move into upcoming relationships, though, please do not expect this behavior from all men. The actions of one do not necessarily define the actions of all! I would, though, recommend a slightly different strategy for you, though, especially as a woman who is surviving infidelity.

Rori Raye suggests in her eBook, Have The Relationship You Want (as well as in all of her programs) that women avoid the “exclusivity trap” and date as many men as possible, until she finds a man who is ready to make THE commitment to her. Rori Raye suggests this for several reasons (and I will try to keep them brief!)…

• Attraction – refusing to commit to a man and dating other men keeps the attraction alive and cooking. DO NOT BE INTIMATE with them until you have the commitment you want, but until YOU HAVE that commitment, do not quit dating other men.

• Diversity – in order to get what YOU want, you need to shop around. You don’t walk into a store and pick out the first shirt off the rack, throw it on the cashier’s table and check out. You try it on. You try on several – and then you make a decision. How much more so should you shop around for a commitment that is supposed to last the rest of your life?

• Value – You are a hot commodity. In order for value to be perceived with most things, scarcity has to be implied. If he is going to really value you, he HAS to understand that he is lucky to have the time with you that he does, and that when and if you choose to give him all your time, you are bestowing a gift upon him that he better cherish.

So please, Anne, know that you will come out stronger for surviving infidelity, whether this was an emotional affair or a physical affair. Take Rori Raye’s advice and shop around before you decide to buy next time, and have a healthier, happier relationship for it. Remember to educate yourself about other relationship mistakes by visiting the Rori Raye section of my website.

Tags: 4 Months, Breach Of Trust, Break, Brutality, Dating Site, Dear Sarah, Devastation, Email, Emotional Affair, Emotional Help, Gut Feeling, Heart, Hearts, Occurrence, relationship advice, Sorrow, surviving infidelity, Touchy Subject, Virtual Hug

I got this relationship question from a reader and wanted to share it with everyone. Marie is really going through a difficult time in her relationship, her man is withdrawing because of his own emotional pain and she is really hurting. I am hoping that you can benefit from Marie’s question. Have a beautiful day!

Hi Sarah,

I have a question for which I need relationship help.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year, but recently about 4 months back his parents decided to separate and get a divorce. My boyfriend is 27, (and I’m 26) and he has taken the divorce really badly, and has been forced to choose sides. He has been using tranquilizers and alcohol to kill the pain and as an escape from the situation.

He told me that he needs time and space to be alone. I have given him space, though it’s really hard… I haven’t seen him in four weeks.

He is a great guy, kind and affectionate, really funny and loves life, though now I feel with the divorce situation he is losing his love of life, and I really worry for him. He has just stopped calling of late, and whenever I call he does not pick my call, and he doesn’t call back. So I haven’t called or texted him for a couple of days.

I have read all the articles, about not calling a guy, that they like the chase, but isn’t this situation different since he is going through a hard time in life?

My questions are how can I reach out to him when he doesn’t pick the call? Should I keep calling him or will that turn him off? Should I text him, even though I don’t get a reply?

And is the fact that he doesn’t call a sign that our relationship is not going in the right way?

I feel our great relationship is slipping away…

I’m very confused with the whole situation; I need your help and advice!

Thank you!

Marie

Hey Marie-

Anyway, I see that your situation IS different, and I think we need to treat this not even so much as a relationship question, but as a question of humanity. I can also address this from my own experience, as well.

I am one of those people, too, who tend to withdraw automatically when facing great hurt or pain. It’s not so much that he does not want to see you or talk to you; I think it’s that he wants to ignore the pain, and push down his feelings because they HURT. He may be lying there crying at night or in the shower where no one can see him, and wishing desperately that you were there, but at the same time, being unable to reach out to you.

Ironically, for me, the key to understanding this about myself has been my best friend. I have been friends with my best friend, Marilyn, for….wow, going on 27+ years (I am 34). She is a very open and emotionally in-touch kind of person, and I am one who tends to be much more masculine in my feelings and my reactions. She has shown me how I withdraw, and how it is really hurtful to me instead of helpful to me. (She is an amazing person, and I would not be here today if it was not for her).

What she does if I withdraw is she leads me gently back to her. You can do things like text him and just say hey, it’s a beautiful day, here is a hug. Don’t ask him how he is doing, or tell him you are worried about him. Just open yourself to him and offer yourself without saying a word about his pain, his withdrawal or your worry.

You can also do things like leave him small gifts on his doorstep, like a meal or a movie, or something small that is fun or helpful but not relating, again, to his emotions.

I guess you kind of have to view him a little bit as a rabid dog. ? You want to approach him without prodding him, without taking about his pain, and showing him that you are still there, your connection is still there and you will not try to force him into opening up (at this point).

I think once you do that for a while, and stop prodding or prying even as well intentioned as you are, that he will begin to feel safe enough to be around you again. And keep it up even after he comes back.

Then after a while, after he has come back and your relationship is more normal, you can take some of the steps like Rori Raye recommends to get him to open up to you, gently and without him even really knowing it. Have you read her eBook yet? If not, I would HIGHLY recommend it to you, because it will really give you some tools you can use to get him to connect with you on an emotional level.

Click on the link for Rori Raye’s eBook

By the way – the alcohol problem DOES need to be addressed, as well, but I think that you should wait to address it until your relationship is back on track, AND until he has connected to you emotionally again as well. It may heal itself, if not, that WILL need to be addressed.

Love,
Sarah
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Tags: 4 Months, Alcohol, Beautiful Day, Chase, Couple Of Days, Divorce Situation, Emotional Pain, Great Relationship, Hard Time, Heart, Love, Parents, Relationship Question, Reply, Time And Space, Tranquilizers

Healthy love relationships and marriages are based around communication, intimacy, friendship and time spent together. When romance relationships graduate to marital relationships and child rearing relationships, it’s easy to get blown off-course.

Many parents focus all their love and attention on the children and lose sight of their own needs and desires as a couple. Instead, parents must put their love marriage priorities first so the children can learn love from their parents’ example.

love and relationships
The first step for creating happy love relationships is fixing any communication problems. Dr. David Burns suggests overcoming the silent treatment through a technique called “multiple choice empathy,” where you take on full responsibility for the other person’s feelings.

You might say a statement like, “I see you don’t want to talk to me. Is there something you’re upset about? Perhaps I didn’t listen to you as well as I should have or I tried to tell you what to do. I feel really bad that I’ve done this to you.” In most cases, the other person will open up.

If your partner is overly critical of you, the best move, Burns says, is to accept responsibility and make the statement more positive. For instance, if your partner accuses you of being a control freak, you might respond by saying, “I’ll admit I have a tendency to be controlling at times.” Then reaffirm how much the person and relationship means to you, mentioning your desire to make things right.

healthy relationships
The next step for creating happy intimate relationships is to share experiences together, no matter how big or small. Some couples get into a TV series together to spend that time cuddling on the couch, eating ice cream, laughing and discussing episodes together. With many top TV series available on DVD now, you can even indulge without all the time-wasting commercials!

In fact, it’s a great way to unwind from a long day and relax. Other couples may prefer to do something a little more active by taking a post-dinner bike ride, a Saturday morning hike and picnic or a daily treadmill workout at the gym. Creating time for each other doesn’t always come naturally. To borrow from an food analogy, think of relationships like chocolate cake: after five days of eating chocolate cake, it might not taste as good, yet after five days of talking about it, that chocolate cake sure sounds good!

interpersonal relationships
Another method to bolster love relationships is to get spiritual together. A University of Chicago survey of married couples found that 75% of Americans who pray with their spouses report their marriages are “very happy.”

Religion promotes many values that apply to building relationships, like respect, humility, faith and selflessness. You can have the satisfaction you desire if you are determined to get it.

Tags: Child Rearing, Communication Problems, Control Freak, Cuddling, David Burns, Desires, Dr David, Empathy, Healthy Relationships, Intimacy, Intimate Relationships, Love And Relationships, Love Marriage, Love Relationships, Marital Relationships, Multiple Choice, Relationships Love, Romance Relationships, Silent Treatment, Top Tv

Dating relationships, whether good or bad, can teach a person a lot about him or herself. New relationships can fill a person with confidence, inspiration, hope and love. However, relationships that turn negative can lead to uncertainty, shame and depression.

Therefore, it’s important to understand what constitutes healthy relationships and unhealthy relationships. It can be difficult to objectively answer the question about what makes healthy relationships.

love relationships
Communicating properly within love relationships is often easier in theory than in practice, yet each partner should still strive for maintaining positive interaction. For instance, accusing someone with “you never listen to me,” or “you always forget to call me,” will automatically put the other person in a defensive position.

Instead, a positive partner will simply state how he or she feels. “Sometimes I feel that you don’t listen to me because…” would be a more appropriate way of communicating; or one could say, “I felt really disappointed when you didn’t call today and wondered why you didn’t do what you promised.”

Tone is also important. Couples should avoid sarcastic remarks, putting the other person down, blaming, name-calling, yelling or interrupting. Instead, a “How can we both work to fix this” approach should be taken to create more positive and effective interpersonal relationships.

sexual relationships
Marriage counseling therapists use tools that are also effective for dating relationships, such as a nine-step process called “Emotional Freedom Techniques.” When a couple arrives, the first step is to lay out the problems.

Most couples will fight over laundry or paying the bills, which are surface-level issues that may happen repetitively, but it’s the goal of the therapist to uncover the real relationship issues troubling them. The next step, then, is to realize the destructive cycle and the underlying needs/wants that fuel this negative pattern.

The third step is to understand what’s fueling one’s emotions. In the fourth step, partners become less combative and realize that no one is to blame, but rather, the cycle is the common enemy they must defeat. Partners become more honest and admit their deepest fears and desires in the fifth step.

In the sixth step, the partners should acknowledge each other’s feelings. In the seventh step, couples become closer because of the newfound realizations and the eighth step involves brainstorming and problem solving. Lastly, the partners vow to stay on-track and prevent relapses.

People from broken homes can find it extremely difficult to create healthy dating relationships. Our first experience of love and relationships begins at home with our parents’ example.

Therefore, if the social relationships at home have been negative, then the child will have a skewed vision of what constitutes a “normal relationship.” Many people from broken homes find that they are always searching for what their family life has lacked.

interpersonal relationships
It is entirely possible to view an abusive upbringing as an example of what not to do. Some people in dating relationships can break out of these cycles and learn to live and love positively; although, many more people require some counseling to uncover negative behavioral patterns that have been adopted from childhood.

It’s important for the individual to do some soul-searching and remain honest about where one has been and where one is going. Spending some time alone, soul-searching and trying to think more positively is really what this woman will need to make healthy relationships a reality.

Tags: Couples, Dating Relationships, Defensive Position, Destructive Cycle, Effective Interpersonal Relationships, Emotional Freedom Techniques, Healthy Relationships, Inspiration, Interaction, Laundry, Love Relationships, Marriage Counseling, Relationship Issues, Relationships Love, Sarcastic Remarks, Sexual Relationships, Shame, Surface Level, Uncertainty, Unhealthy Relationships

Infidelity is a painful way to break a marriage. Marriage vows promised trust and love. Infidelity breaks those vows and causes hurt and pain.

To find some of the sources of that pain, here is a case study of Sue A. And Joe R. As they work through Joe’s infidelity.

They knew each other before ever starting school together. Their mothers were best friends. Joe was a year older and they began dating when Sue was a high school junior. College was not a difficult choice for Sue, she followed Joe and during her sophomore year, he proposed. They are parents of three children.

There were some money problems as the children grew up and Joe said he could work late to help bring more money home. The money problems did not seem to improve even though Joe was rarely home. When Sue brought this up, Joe became very angry and left the house. He did not answer phone calls for several days.

After a time to cool off, Joe calls Sue and apologizes. During the call, he also admits that the reason there is no extra money is that he has been involved with someone else. He suggests that he and Sue should find a counselor and try to reconcile.

The heartbreak for Sue is great and forgiveness seems far off. Her husband she has known since she was three has been her betrayer. This was something of which she would have never dreamed. He knew more about her than she felt she knew herself. The hurt was immeasurable.

We all love stories to end happily, however this one may end that way. These deep hurts do not go away overnight. Divorce often follows such mistrust.

Any time in the future, that Joe is late for dinner; those old feelings begin to surface once again. Has he found someone else? Whenever he becomes annoyed at the situation, Joe may be tempted to escape to another place without all the pressures of home.

Family and friends become aware of the circumstances. They may no longer come around as often and the family support system is broken. It is difficult to find anyone in whom to confide.

If divorce follows, children will also feel the pain. The relocation of part of the family across state lines makes parental visitation more difficult and it sometimes even stops. Children sense the tension and also feel the pain. They miss the absent parent. Contact is broken and parents also are pained.

The pain continues. Even if Sue finds someone else with whom to spend the rest of her life, Joe’s infidelity can continue to haunt the new relationship. She may fear sharing feelings since her trust was broken earlier.

Joe finds that his income, which was already being stretched thin, is now being split between his new household and that of his former family. He is paying an expensive price for his marital infidelity. He also finds that he has difficulty with trust. It is not that he cannot trust others. Joe has difficulty trusting himself.

If you are considering infidelity, please consider surviving infidelity and the pain that it may cause from cheating.

Tags: affairs, Best Friends, Betrayer, Case Study, cheating, Circumstances, Counselor, Couples, Divorce, Extra Money, Family And Friends, Forgiveness, Heartbreak, infidelity, Love Stories, marital infidelity, Marriage, marriage infidelity, Mistrust, Money Problems, Old Feelings, Phone Calls, relationship infidelity, Shame, Sophomore Year, surviving infidelity